Tozerboy

Should a blog entry be hard to write? I’ve been trying to write this for awhile, but that whole Logos thing really threw me. Now instead of logophilia, I’ve worried so much that it might appear like I have logorrhea that it has given me logophobia. I just can’t seem to get anything written. So instead of writing one post on this subject I’m just going to start writing a series, maybe that will help me get over the hump.

Obviously I’ve been thinking about words a lot lately, specifically labels. Labels make sense in some ways. I can use a word that you immediately recognize as a complex thing, formula or concept. The sweet shorthand that make language so powerful. So why do I title this entry, and the series that will follow, “I am not Gay”? Because I don’t believe in absolutes. Labels are, just like the perfect example of the ultimate label, Black and White. And absolutes are dangerous.

Am I Gay because you call me Gay, or he/she calls me Gay, or I call myself Gay? The answer right now is, I’m Gay because I say I’m Gay. After thirty years of hiding it, what’s another thirty. No one was to know but me. My own Mother didn’t know until a few days ago, so I think I could have kept up the charade a bit longer. But I have to admit I don’t like the idea that I have labeled myself Gay. I tried Straight for very long time. That didn’t work. I tried Bi for a short time. God that didn’t work. Do you want to know how to empty the seats on either side of you when you’re sitting in a bar Straight or Gay? Tell everyone you’re Bi. Wham! Seats magically become free. Its like you’re wearing Strontium 87 around your neck.

Ironically, a recent twist on the Bi thing is my Mother’s reaction to my surprise announcement. She told my Brother that she doesn’t really think I’m Gay, I’m just going that way now because there aren’t any women out there for me. That’s right, I’ve gone through the rotation and now I’ve been traded to the other team. In an early season trade, a young left hander, is coming over to the Straights in an even swap. The Gays are going to try me out for a while, but I need to be careful, or I’ll be sent down to the farm team. (The showers aren’t as nice there.) If things really work out however, when I get back into shape, the Straights have a waiver to call me back.

So why the label Gay? I guess I’ll have to keep exploring that here occasionally.