Tozerboy

The Wednesday before Easter I went to lunch with Randy and Arthur, after we finished a video shoot. It was a gorgeous day and we didn’t get a chance to eat until late. We decided to hit a local pub, ostensibly because they have great burgers, but we really wanted beer. Spring was in the air and we had just finished shooting at a grade school. I think there was something about being in a school on a warm Spring day that made us want to play hooky. So we finished the shoot and hit the pub. We knew that we were not going to return to work, sober at least.

Randy is straight and this was the first time I’d been in a social situation with him since I started to Out myself. The intriguing thing is, until that lunch I assumed that Randy thought I was straight. Now I am not sure what he thinks. If you’ve been around me at all in the last few months, you would see the change, at least I think. But during lunch I could see confusion in Randy’s face when he saw me interact with Arthur. And twice when an opportunity came up for me to directly address my orientation I directly avoided it.

Of course assumptions are funny things. I assumed he originally thought I was straight. Why? Because when I met him originally I acted straight. Maybe he didn’t think I was Straight. Perhaps he has Gaydar and is good as spotting those things. Of course I don’t think Straight men have Gaydar, I believe only women and Gay men have it. God, knows I don’t have it. Perhaps I don’t have it because I have so much baggage. I’m still prejudiced in some ways. If a friend says, “Oh he’s Gay.” Often my reaction is, “Really?” or “No?” After fifty years I am conditioned to think it’s a bad thing.

The whole lunch made me ponder where I am on the denial scale. The questions I am asking myself are, Does it matter? How far do I have to go with this thing? Am I being dishonest with a friend/associate, that knew me as straight, if I don’t clearly Out myself? Maybe I’m over reacting just because I’ve found a new religion. (Since this was the Wednesday before Good Friday, I did think about St. Peter and the three denials. It also made me choose a particular song of the day.) Maybe its egotistical to even think people care one way or another. Of course on occasion my Father was known to say, “Mark, you think too much.”

The hamburgers were great!